MasterCard British Album of the Year
British Artist Video of the Year
One Direction, Drag Me Down
International Female Solo Artist
British Breakthrough Act
Catfish & the Bottlemen
International Male Solo Artist
British Female Solo Artist
British Male Solo Artist
British Producer of the Year
Global Success Award
Adeles voluminous frocks. Annie Lennoxs louche androgyny. A lot of raunch, and a lot more paunch. The lame, gauche gags of Ant and Dec, who continue to believe their own publicity and think themselves the Morecambe and Wise of the 21st Century. You wish, chaps: can you imagine our Eric in a gobby ballgown? Not even remotely cool. If the organisers want the world to take the BRIT awards seriously, they need to drop the quirk, stop presenting us as kiss-me-quick, fish-and-chip, saucy-seaside-postcard eccentrics, and simply deliver the extravaganza with pared-down style.
Worse, Coldplay: the ultimate Emperors New Clothes of bands. So theyre boasting a shiny cache of awards, now, but guys: dont go getting above yourselves. Youre never going to match the record of Robbie Williams.
No repeat Madonna train-wreck, then, alas; how I enjoyed her downfall last year.Wash my mouth out. Still, there was fall-out to compensate, in the shape of Adeles significant bazoom getting the better of her boulder-holder. Im not sure that I really get her as the Barbra Streisand-sized superstar she is whipped up to be. Nice enough voice and all that, plus she brushes up well. The stick-on eyelashes make their point. But the Adele is a genius campaign lost me a while back. We consider her to be the best British female singer since Dusty Springfield because the competition is currently so thin on the ground. I mean, Florence: with or without her Machine, she still comes across as Princess Anne on acid.
Duncan Jones had a good night, so at least that. Miffed by the recent Grammy Awards tribute to his dad, David Bowie – what was Lady Gaga on? – he thoroughly approved of the BRITS tribute, declaring it beautiful. Bowies chum Gary Oldman sauntered on to accept the BRIT Icon award from Annie Lennox on behalf of Davids family, and seemed to be choking back the sobs as he told a cheeky story or two.
Bowie himself named the croaky nineteen year-old New Zealander Lorde as the future of British music. So it was fitting that it was she who was chosen to deliver the homage, on the heels of a medley of Bowie classics. Her rendition of Life on Mars was interesting.
And thats about it, folks. Nothing much to report from the after-show: everyone was a bit tired and emotional by then. The awards ceremony season seems a bit stretched-out this year. Roll on next Sunday and the Oscars, and then were done for another year.
To see some of the best moments in picture from the Brit Awards 2016 , hop over here.
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